Bad horror: The Fog (2005)

Dear lord, save us from abysmal movies and deliver us from unnecessary remakes of classic horror films.  Please.  Pretty please.  No?  Well, that’s not very nice of you, is it?

What we have on our hands here is a wholly redundant retelling of horror legend John Carpenter’s 1980 film of the same name.  Both are set in Antonio Bay, a small fishing village, and in both versions the town is beset by sea-faring killer ghosts.  The original is spooky and atmospheric, with Halloween star Jamie Lee Curtis on board (that’s some brownie points, right there).  While the story was never the most enthralling, Carpenter made the fog in The Fog genuinely scary.

Even without Carpenter’s version as a yardstick, this insipid retread really doesn’t inspire.  The male lead (Tom Welling, TV’s teenage Superman) is almost implausibly perfect, although his total lack of charisma makes him seem like a real life Ken doll rather than horror hero.  His female counterpart, the gormless Maggie Grace from Taken, drifts through the 100 minute running time with a be-fuddled look on her face as she tries to unravel the ‘mystery’.

It doesn't matter how hot we are, that's not enough to sustain a 100 minute film!

It doesn’t matter how hot we are, that’s not enough to sustain a 100 minute film!

The Fog fails to scare: and for my money, that’s the biggest requirement for a horror film.  I suppose that’s the problem with making a horror film with a 15 certificate.  Sigh.

The Fog is an utterly pointless endeavour and I thoroughly recommend you don’t waste your time.

Score: 3/10

 

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23 responses to “Bad horror: The Fog (2005)

  1. The original also had another scream Queen in the cast, Adrienne Barbeau. I liked the original but the remake left me bored to the point of losing track of what was even going on. Wish I had seen your review prior to the movie!! Your reviews are always spot on.

    • Well, with praise like that I may get a big head! Thanks so much for the kind words. I’m sorry you had to suffer through the remake too. I kind of wish I could un-see it.

  2. Y’know, I actually watched the original and didn’t care for it, so I’m in no rush to catch the remake. Hahaha. Nice review. I will continue staying far away. 🙂

    • I quite like the original although it is far from my favourite horror, or even my favourite John Carpenter.

      I’m very glad to hear that you won’t be polluting your mind with this terrible excuse for a film. Hurrah!

  3. SCREW REMAKES!!!!! There’s my 2p. Wait – that’s a saying here, right? Like “that’s my two cents” in America? I mean, I’ve lived in the UK over ten years now, you’d think I’d know. Anyway – screw The Fog! I won’t watch it in the same way I refused to watch the remake of one of my favorite horrors – The Omen. Stupid Hollywood!

    • Don’t get me started! It’s sanitised, glossy Hollywood shit “horror” made for teenagers who watch The OC, and don’t even realise they’re watching a remake. Actually, I’m sure teenagers aren’t watching The OC any more but I’ll be damned if I know (or care) what they ARE watching.

      The point is that most remakes are shit. I sort of can’t help myself though. It’s like a weird masochistic compulsion. I have to see for myself, to know for sure. Hey, there’s got to be a top 10 in this… top 10 shittest horror remakes…

      And yes, 2p is a saying.

  4. Jesus. I just watched it and it is terrible. I honestly stopped watching about 2/3 of the way through.

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