Summer Shitfest is in full swing and I couldn’t be happier, because it gives me a reason to watch shitty films (at any other time of the year, this is a habit that people find a bit weird). Anyway, last night was the nighttime Shitfest social, run by blogger extraordinaire Table 9 Mutant, on behalf of the one and only IPC. Unfortunately I missed the big event, but I’ve watched the film anyway…
The opening words of the IMDB blurb strike terror into my heart “Based on the video game…” [sigh]. But hang on, Resident Evil was pretty good fun, so let’s give this a go. Oh, Christian Slater’s in it. That’s good. I loved him in Heathers, Pump up the Volume, True Romance and Interview with the Vampire. Oh, and Stephen Dorff, too? That’s a bonus. I had the hots for him when I was younger. Oh, wait. It looks like Tara Reid is the female lead. Urgh. That’s not so good.
The film opens with a massive screenful of rolling text. I mean, soooooo much text! I have a hunch that even the film makers might have realised this was too much text because they also had a bloke read it all out. Even he sounds bored. This doesn’t bode well. Even with the voice over I can’t muster enough interest to pay attention, and I find myself re-winding it three times before I finally give up and just get on with the film.
I’m not going to be able to really explain the plot because I haven’t been able to detect one, so I’ll just have to bung in the IMDB overview:
Based on the video game, Alone in the Dark focuses on Edward Carnby, a detective of the paranormal, who slowly unravels a mysterious events with deadly results.
Hmm, that doesn’t really tell us much at all. Having now watched it, I can’t say I’m really any the wiser. But here are ten things I did learn from Alone in the Dark:
- It’s ok to use monsters that look suspiciously similar to the aliens from Alien.
- It’s ok to experiment on orphans if it’s for the greater good.
- Bung a pair of glasses on Tara Reid and she’ll be able to claim she’s a museum curator, but we won’t believe it because this is Tara Reid. Honestly, I don’t even find her to be believable as a human being, much less a curator.
- Terrible casting choices can damage films that were already bad to begin with.
- Christian Slater and Tara Reid make for an uncomfortably mis-matched couple.
- Relentless, OTT and incongruent soundtracks are very distracting.
- You can have a punch up, shoot a gun and kill a guy in broad daylight and nobody will bat an eyelid.
- Security guards know lots about ancient civilisations.
- Seven Seconds isn’t a good soundtrack for a love scene.
- Men can have sex with their pants on.
I think my biggest problem with this film is that it DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! Seriously, I really couldn’t tell you what it’s actually about, if my life depended on it. It’s just bad. B. A. D. It has poor production values, poor editing, poor sound, crappy special effects and a totally incomprehensible ‘story’. I actually had no clue what was going on. Even Slater and Dorff (two of my teenage favourites), couldn’t save it. I just feel sort of sorry for them, because I think they’re both better than this.