White Settlers

Urgh.  I’d like to try to be nice because this is clearly a low-budget indie flick.  I’m sure everyone worked really hard, and visually it looks decent quality, not that cheap porno sheen that horror films often have but… BUT…

Just to get you up to speed, this is about Ed and Sarah, a pair of young Londoners who buy up a derelict old farmhouse in Scotland with the intention of building a new (affordable) life.  Queue estate agent helpfully explaining ‘Och, hen, you’ll no ge nae mobile reception oop heeer’ which tells us that something horrible will happen later to make them really wish they did have mobile reception.  Her additional explanations about the previous owner who died penniless, leaving a large family behind (who couldn’t afford to buy the house back from the bank) should sufficiently signpost the direction the film will go.

Helpful red-headed estate agent sets the scene

Helpful red-headed estate agent sets the scene

Anyway, after spending the next 30 or so minutes of the run time unpacking boxes, rewiring plugs and shagging in a nearby field (sorry Eric, no boobs), nothing much really happens.  Then something does, and it’s a bit rubbish.  I mean, I can see what they were going for but, I feel bad saying this, but this has just been done so many times before to much greater effect.

I really like the lead actress, Pollyanna McIntosh and hope to see her in more films in future.

How can someone called Pollyanna be so cool?

How can someone called Pollyanna be so cool?

Score: 4/10

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23 responses to “White Settlers

  1. Nae fookin’ boabs dooring ae shag?? Bollocks!!

    Sounds kinda lame! Wasn’t that Pollyanna chick in The Descent?

    Yours,

    ei

    • Nah, she was in The Woman. I have’t seen it and don’t plan to because the reviews make it sound WRETCHED.

      • PS I think The Descent had someone named Pollyanna in it though! It is also one of my favorites AND one of the only movies to ever scare me!

      • I saw it at the cinema with my friend who doesn’t like/watch horror films. We both shat ourselves. It is so genuinely scary.

      • PS – I just finished my movie and I need to skip to the loo and then I’ll do some research for our big project! We’re going to do two right? One for here and one for my joint?

      • A quick look, because I’m heading home in about 30 minutes, would indicate the likes of:

        ALTAR
        JOY RIDE 3
        DEVIL’S BACKBONE TEXAS
        HANSEL VS GRETEL
        BUCK WILD
        BLOOD LAKE
        JACK THE REAPER
        GERM Z
        PINOCCHIO’S REVENGE
        EXIT TO HELL

        Any of these sound shit enough?

        Yours,

        ei

      • Dear ei,
        Wow! You’ve got some special internetting skills to find so much shit in such a short space of time! I’ll have a look and let you know…
        Yours,
        Nerd

      • Dear fn,

        I just looked up some horror movies in my netflix on my ipad! I’m not that smart!

        Yours,

        ei

      • Dear ei,
        Netshits is indeed the place to go for shitty horror movies. I recently cancelled but I think we have different shitty films to you guys anyway.
        Yours,
        fn

      • Dear fn,

        Yes it is. The bottom of the barrel….. let me know – if none of those work or sound good I can always look for more!

        Yours,

        ei

      • Dear ei,

        OK, so…

        ALTAR – Yes, I like the look of this
        JOY RIDE 3 – 2 was wretched, no thanks
        DEVIL’S BACKBONE TEXAS – WTF?
        HANSEL VS GRETEL – N
        BUCK WILD – Y!
        BLOOD LAKE – Y!
        JACK THE REAPER – N
        GERM Z – N
        PINOCCHIO’S REVENGE – Again I find myself asking, WTF!
        EXIT TO HELL – HELL NO!

        Are we looking for Shitfest worthy films or ones we might actually enjoy? I’ve just found a couple but will find a few more and then share. Are we picking on of yours and one of mine?

        Yours,
        Nerd

      • PPS I haven’t seen Filth yet because I’m not a fan of McAvoy…..

      • Eric, my dear friend, we are peas in a pod! I used to HATE him. I couldn’t stand him. Then I saw Filth and he was on Graham Norton plugging the latest X-Men movie with Huge Jackman and Michael Fistbender and he came across really well, He was VERY funny and very likeable. And now I quite like him.

  2. Pingback: Let us Prey | filmnerdblog·

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