The Martian

The Martian feels like something I’ve seen before.   Perhaps because it plays out like Tom Hanks has been Castaway in Apollo 13, if that cinematic mash-up were written by a team of people who mixed up pages of the script for The Martian with pages from their Naked Gun In Space project that they haven’t managed to get off the ground.

It’s boring.  It’s long.  It’s derivative.  And I honestly couldn’t have cared less about any of these characters.   They actually say things like “we’re all in this together” and “let’s bring our boy home” and “you do the math”, “we did the math” and also “the math adds up”*.


To be fair to the filmmakers, I haven’t read the book, so couldn’t say if they’re to blame or not.  But, BUT… they have to take ultimate responsibility because they did this!  If the book was shit, they should’ve improved it!  If the book wasn’t shit, the film shouldn’t be shit either!  WTF, The Martian?  No!  Just, no!

Ways to improve The Martian

  1. Don’t make Matt Damon be Tom Hanks

2.  Have Benedict Wong (science guy) challenge Jeff Daniels (the boss of NASA) to a game of Street Countdown

3.  Don’t waste an excellent supporting cast by giving them nothing to do

4.  Give some unknowns a chance at the big-time, instead

5.  Don’t employ real-life scientists to create a cheesy 80s action/disaster movies cliché machine (I can only assume that’s what they did)

Score: 4/10

*No, America.  It’s “maths“… mathsssssss.

38 responses to “The Martian

  1. I loved The Martian so I’m not fully on board with what you have to say here. However, I appreciate your ability to piss all over popular opinion 🙂 right on

  2. Laura, nice review! Just because it’s popular doesn’t make it good. However, I enjoy “bad” movies all the time. It’s great to hear opposing viewpoints.

  3. Lol I love this!! You’re great dear Laura 🙂

    The maths quotes had me laughing out loud and I want to see the science guy and the NASA guy play Street Countdown!

  4. This review has a lot of wit to it Laura, you rock sister. I love how you don’t care about going against the grain.

    • Thanks Dan, that’s really nice of you to say. Will you be writing it up, or did I miss your post? I follow so many blogs my reader is chock-a-block.

  5. So It’s Castaway in Space and it features good actors in small er roles then Matt Damon. Don’t get me wrong he is a good actor but I can’t see him carrying an entire movie on his own.

    • Don’t forget the terrible, terrible dialogue. That was the most egregious offence. I like Damon best in the Bourne films.

  6. How about dialogue like “I’m going to science the shit on this!” Looks like we are on the same page with this one Laura. Hilarious post, I love that episode of the IT crowd

    • Oh my god, it was so bad. Another of my friends saw it at the weekend, and he really liked it. Why does everyone else seem to like it?!

      • I don’t know! You are the only one I have seen who is with me on this one. It seems to have knocked everyone’s socks off! Even with dialogue about Maths! Ah well, you know what they say about opinions..

  7. I haven’t seen this yet but I did read the book, which I loved. Interested to see how good an interpretation it is.

  8. “It’s boing It’s long. It’s derivative.”

    Is “boing” a new slang term for something? I’m not down with the kids anymore.. 😉 😛

    Fun read btw! 🙂

  9. Dear fn,

    I actually quite liked this movie but I also watch a LOT of SHIT so movies with good actors and caliber production don’t bother me. When you get a chance you should watch Study Hell (if you haven’t already) – this will make The Martian look like the best movie you’ve ever seen.

    Yours eternal,




  10. Great review lady! I must say that I was not the biggest fan of this movie, though I didn’t hate it quite like you did xD But I agree, nothing we haven’t seen before, and the supporting cast was totally wasted.

  11. Aw Laura, I enjoyed The Martian but I think I enjoyed your mini review more. You’re right about the supporting cast – what WAS Kristen Wiig doing there!? Ah well, I think I’m a sucker for anything with a spaceship in it. Glad to be reading your reviews again. You always have something interesting and bubble-pricking to say. Keep in touch. Gareth 🙂

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