The Martian feels like something I’ve seen before. Perhaps because it plays out like Tom Hanks has been Castaway in Apollo 13, if that cinematic mash-up were written by a team of people who mixed up pages of the script for The Martian with pages from their Naked Gun In Space project that they haven’t managed to get off the ground.
It’s boring. It’s long. It’s derivative. And I honestly couldn’t have cared less about any of these characters. They actually say things like “we’re all in this together” and “let’s bring our boy home” and “you do the math”, “we did the math” and also “the math adds up”*.
To be fair to the filmmakers, I haven’t read the book, so couldn’t say if they’re to blame or not. But, BUT… they have to take ultimate responsibility because they did this! If the book was shit, they should’ve improved it! If the book wasn’t shit, the film shouldn’t be shit either! WTF, The Martian? No! Just, no!
Ways to improve The Martian
- Don’t make Matt Damon be Tom Hanks
2. Have Benedict Wong (science guy) challenge Jeff Daniels (the boss of NASA) to a game of Street Countdown
3. Don’t waste an excellent supporting cast by giving them nothing to do
4. Give some unknowns a chance at the big-time, instead
5. Don’t employ real-life scientists to create a cheesy 80s action/disaster movies cliché machine (I can only assume that’s what they did)
*No, America. It’s “maths“… mathsssssss.